Mission to Forks: Defeat the Cullen Bounto's!
by Dividing Line
Summary: Ichigo burst into the clearing from behind his hiding-tree, holding up his badge and screaming. "NOOOOOO! HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL! RUN, RUN AWAY!" Anti-Twilight Oneshot! Based on the anime filler Bounto Arc... Review Please! ;3


**This is not supposed to make any sense. It's simply because- A) I hate Twatlight b) Bleach rocks. **

**I don't own Twilight or Bleach, but if I was Stephanie Meyer, I'd be ashamed of myself for making twelve year olds want sparkly boyfriends (No change there) but with FANGS. Scary stuff, ne?**

**Yes, I fully admit to going into a hate session over Twilight. It's not really a crossover, just me being daft, and when I listed it under crossovers barely anyone reads bleach-twilight! D:**

**Summary: ****Ichigo burst into the clearing from behind his hiding-tree, holding up his badge and screaming. "NOOOOOO! HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL! RUN, RUN AWAY!" **

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Ichigo huffed, his orange hair ruffling in the breeze, with his raven-headed side-kick by his side... well, by his hip. He then turned to the tiny woman wearing his trademark scowl, orange hair ruffling in the cool breeze to murmur his wonderful words of-...

"Oi, Midget. What're we even supposed to be doing?" Said midget looked up at him, before delivering an excellently aimed kick to his shin with her tiny, but exceedingly strong legs.

"First of all- it's Rukia, you ginger twat-" Rukia was increasingly proud of her newly-learned slang words and terms that drove Ichigo insane. (Turns out these American kids weren't so bad!) "And second, we're here to deal with a group of Bountos." She nodded at him like the superior intellectual that she was, before turning back to the huge grey building infront of them.

"I know that, short-ass-" Alas, Rukia was not the only one to have picked up some charming teenage terms. The petite girl's eye twitched, and she turned to Ichigo, tiny fists balled. Ichigo, actually having some sort of sense of self-preservation that day, knew the power of those mini fists of fury, and so hurriedly continued. "Uh, and err, um... I mean.. why are we infront of a high school though? And I thought all those stupid bastardly Bounto's were killed?" Rukia tutted, violet eyes darkening with dissaproval.

"Now now, Strawberry, let's behave shall we? You're only calling them bastards because you got your ass handed to you by a Doll. A DOLL FOR CHRISSAKES!

"Oh, and we're infront of this high school, because it's where the 'things' have been sighted. They've been going around under the fascade of being five adopted teens, and two parents, and are reported to all have extremely good control over thier spiritual pressure- so much so, that not only is it undetectable to even me, but they can do shunpo! And thier strength rivals yours with that pathetic 6 feet long meat cleaver! Actually, I've got a bone to pick with you about tha-..." Ichigo broke her off, flailing his arms infront of her face.

"Hey, bitch! Don't you dare call Zangetsu stupid! Just because your zanpakuto is longer than you are tall!-" This time, it was Rukia's turn to interrupt.

"Sode No Shirayuki is timeless in it's grace! Atleast my sword isn't constantantly in shikai because I'm too thick-skulled to be able to master my own reiatsu well enough to seal it away! And besides, you know what they say in the Shinigami Women's Association! The bigger the sword, the more it's making up for downstai-" Ichigo broke her off with a pained howl. And it is true, for Rukia had greatly wounded Ichigo's pride as a man. A very manly man! The manliest man in soul society! Yes, Ichigo knew he was so manly! AND HOW DARE SHE INSULT LITTLE ICH-...

"ICHIGO, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!" This time, not only his pride was getting a beating. Instead, Rukia swung up her tiny leg... straight inbetween Ichigo's. First insulted and now kicked... what a life, thought Ichigo as he dropped to his knees with a shrill whine of agony, clutching the battered and abused area of his crotch.

"You absoloute fuc- _choke- _ing little who_- cough- _e! I hate you, fuc-_ wheeze- _ing BITC_- whine-._ He continued to splutter on the gravel for a good five minutes, groaning out curses and death threats- not that he would lay a finger on the petite shinigami responsible for his current agony. Not ever, would he touch Rukia, and not just because she would beat the living daylights out of him. Still, he was off to buy some steel shinpads to put down his boxers tomorrow..

Rukia looked around them. As she was in a gigai, their entire argument had been perfectly visible to the studens milling around like ants, and it had attracted quite a lot of attention. A few pointed, others whispered, and some downright pissed thier pants laughing at Ichigo rolling around on the floor holding himself due to what had been labelled as 'that feisty little junior kid!'. Rukia snarled inwardly, but decided against being as dumb enough as to attack humans and get Soul Society rebuilding the Sokyoku to drag her ass of to be executed. Again...but Kami, how she wanted to do some kido right now and watch the little bastards beg for mercy from her Sharpie pen. Ichigo was still terrified of Rukia's skill with making pen-moustaches, and he certainly had good reason to be.

Folding her arms over her _-admittedly, small-_ chest she surveyed the grounds. It was boring as Hueco Mundo _-No, not Taco Bell. Ichigo had taken her to one of those, and she'd rather enjoyed it. So why was hell named after a yummy food eatery anyway?- _But back to the campus. It was filled with plain four storey grey buildings, boring little windows, and not much greenery. It had absoloutely nothing to her dear Nii-sama's grounds, with it's incredible beauty and koi ponds...

"Earth to Rukia... helloooo~... anyone home...Esta pinata senorita?" Ichigo was waving his hand slowly infront of Rukia's face, his legs crossed- No way was he falling for THAT trick again!- and bent over nearly double to see eye to eye with the tiny girl.

"Pinat-... what?" Rukia looked at him baffled. The heck was a paniato? He did say Painato, right? RIGHT?

"Nevermind. Come on, the bell just went... that means we need to go inside." Rukia nodded, straightening out her white jeans and black T-shirt, describing what she thought of Ichigo. (It read: 'Big Hero. Big hair. Big weapon... no clue'*) and checking the laces on her yellow converses were tied, and that her matching yellow bracelets weren't messed up. Ichigo sighed at her T-shirt, his signature scowl back on his face. Quickly making sure he wasn't covered in dust from rolling around on the floor, clutching his knees to his chest while wailing in pain and fear. Indeed, his black jeans and top reading 'F*ck you, bitch' as a reply to Rukia's T-shirt ere somewhat miraculously clean and dust-free. Grabbing thier bags, the couple sauntered up to the steps, walking straight inside the doors labelled 'FIRE EXIT' in vivid green lettering.

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Sometime after the school had been allowed to come back into the grounds following the fire bell that said escape door had set off, the pair were wandering down the hall to theilast lesson. Rukia had been making notes on just about everyone, and kept yanking out those dang photo's of the people they were meant to be keeping an eye out for -Ichigo had told her time and time again, she was going to look like a psyco stalker- while walking into just about every single person going down the crowded hallways. It didn't help that Ichigo had already been labelled a deliquent- his orange hair and T-shirt weren't helping the case at all, and neither was him calling a teacher 'sensei' by mistake. No, the teacher took instant offence instead by thinking Ichigo was being cocky, which somehow broke out into a full scale row, with Ichigo about to take out his soul reaper's badge and kick the man's ass into the next realm.

Rukia, however, diffused the situation: with a stunning kick to Ichigo's head, sending him to one side of the room, then backflipping off a desk to do the same to the teacher. And so, while Ichigo was labelled a deliquent and tardish one at that, Rukia was officially 'the most awesome person I've ever seen, OHMYGOD, amazing' person on the school grounds.

So, as Rukia swaggered, Ichigo dragged his feel along behind her, scowling at anyone that dared to look at him. Eventually, the pair walked into Biology. After the unenthused teacher introduced them to the class, followed by a bored drone of 'Hello...' from the students, the pair had begun to walk forwards- before Rukia spotted their main target who went by the alias of Edward Cullen.

"ICHIGO IT'S HI-MMPH!" The carrot top slapped a hand over her mouth, letting her arms flail and begin to claw at his arm.

"Yes RUKIA, it's a SHUT experiment box, UP on a shelf! AND I suggest we BEHAVE while we're near it though, OR ELSE we could GET KILLED!" Ichigo looked down at her, eyes aflame, hoping she would understand his code of emphasised words. After exactly 17 seconds, she brightened up, winking at him in that _oh-we're-so-conspirational-way_, nodding her head up and down.

"OOOH, YES ICHIGO! LET'S GO SIT DOWN!" She happily skipped over to the spare bench at the back then, talking a seat. Ichigo followed behind her, before slapping a palm to his forehead. That wasn't subtle at all, Rukia... He already knew they were screwed. Then, Rukia decided to reward him for his previous threat, with a very well disguised jab in the side- causing Ichigo to fly about 2 feet up from his seat, and fall of it backwards where he hit the floor with a crash. As he sat down for the second time, he sent up his most scary glare possible, the one that could make even Aizen tremble in it's wake. Naturally, the rest of the class let thier jaws up from the desk, hurriedly turning away from 'That violent ginger delinquent!'.

Ichigo's eye twitched.

_Horrible little fuckers._ God he hated high schools.

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Before long, the hour was up, and Ichigo and Rukia had agreed they needed to tail Edward and see what he was up to- lest he harm any more innocent victims. With a speed and agility that... well, nobody would be jealous of except Hanataro, the pair ambled after the suspected Bounto. Heading up a hill, into the forest, Ichigo whispered to Rukia as they tailed Edward.

"What if he's gunna attack some people in the woods? We need to pop out our bodies and fight him. But then, we need to find out where the rest of them are..." Rukia gave a sly smirk.

"No worries, asstard._She was so skilled with vocabulary now, she'd begun to make her OWN words!_ I already put trackers on the other lot! While you were making a fool of yourself with that teacher, I went out and tracked the others down, and tagged them all before I kicked BOTH your asses! Ahahahaa, you're so stu-..." Ichigo slapped a hand over her mouth once more, hushing her. Ahead, Edward had met up with a brunette haired human girl.

Now she didn't look anything special. If anything, she looked mentally lacking- as soon as she saw the bount, her jaw dropped open and she looked at him like he was the next Jesus, the drool practically slipping past her lips. Her hair was messy, and her skin rivaled that of a ghost- freakishly pale, and pasty. All in all, the human was not a pretty sight.

"D'ya think he preys on the retarded ones on pupose? Sick bastard, I'll show him!"

"Ichigo, shut up!" Rukia hissed at him, her violet eyes narrowing into slits. "Listen!"

Ahead, the bount was addressing the girl, as she stood, trembling and open mouthed before him.

"What am I?" The girl simply made a muffled whimper in return.

"Say it!" The bounto spat, and the human paled.

"A-... A vam-"

Ichigo burst into the clearing from behind his hiding-tree, holding up his badge and screaming.

"NOOOOOO! HE'S GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL! RUN, RUN AWAAAAAAY!" Flailing his arms for extra effect, Ichigo tried to shoo the zombie-girl away, but she simply stood there still gaping at the Bount, who was looking at Ichigo as if to say 'Dude, you're cockblocking me'. One eyebrow was arched, and he had his arms folded at Ichigo, lips parted to reveal his glittery teeth.

"STAY BACK, OR I'LL GET OUT MY ZANPAKUTO AND NAIL YOUR ASS!" Ichigo roared at Edward, bringing his badge near his chest. Rukia stayed behind the tree, watching.

"I'm straight." Just then, a strong gust of wind made the trees sway, letting a beam of sunlight hit Edward's skin- the sparkles shining brightly, momentarily blinding Ichigo!

"STRAIGHT MY LEFT FOOT! WHAT KIND OF MANLY MAN HAS AN ATTACK LIKE THAT! AND I THOUGHT ICHINOSE WAS GAY WITH RAINBOWS! AAAGHHH, RUKIAAAAAAA~" He wailed, slamming his badge to his chest.

Rukia facepalmed from behind the tree. This was supposed to be the man that handed most of Soul Society's asses to them? God, standards must be getting LOW.

Ichigo popped out of his body, just as Rukia ran forwards, barelling into Edward with a rugby-style tackle. The tiny girl and much taller man flew across the clearing, slamming through trees and bushes before grinding to a halt as they hit a massive oak tree, full force. It shattered upon impact.

Ichigo bounded forwards, raising Zangetsu just as Edward's eyes went black, and he rounded on Rukia- opening his mouth and lunging for her neck, venom oozing between his lips when-...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

The metal scream didn't last long however, as Edward's head was taken clean off his neck, venom spurting everywhere in place of blood. Rukia wrinkled her nose, unimpressed, as Ichigo continued to hack the body into little pieces. Then, taking an aresol can from his pocket, he dropped it onto the pile of bounty-goodness-flakes, and set fire to it. In seconds, the can exploded, and the flames were gorging on the flesh, leaving behind what can only be described as Crisp o' Corpse. It really did look like cereal! Very burnt.. dead-vampire-bits cereal...

"Well, that was boring. Now for the rest of the-..." Rukia was cut off, as a half crazy Bella leapt onto her back, hissing and clawing. Calmly stepping forwards, Ichigo grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, throwing her away from HIS Rukia with his full strength, sending the insane girl soaring over the trees. They didn't hear much, except a drawn out shriek, before a loud THUD and the wet snapping of bones breaking through flesh.

"Psyco bitch, musta been under his control. Probably his Doll's power. A pity, I guess... but she looked like a retard anyway." Ichigo shrugged at Rukia's comment, re-sheathing Zangetsu before returning to his body.

"Oh well. One down, six to go." The raven haired midget gave a buisness like nod, and the two departed from the area, back down the path they came from- careful to avoid the pile of blood and brains splattered over the clearing, with torn hobo-like clothes draped over the nearby foliage.

_Even in death_, thought Ichigo, _the bitch is still an eye-sore. _

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After following Rukia's stupid phone tracker around in circles for twenty minutes, the duo found themselves outside a fairly modern looking house. Shrugging, Ichigo turned to Rukia.

"So, what's the plan?" She looked at him sheepishly, glancing around.

"I forgot my sketchpad. It had my plans in it, and it's back at the clearing..." She trailed off.

"Oh SHIT! The police might take it as evidence, oh go-... Oh wait. Nobody will be able to understand your shitty bunny pictures, we're fine." Rukia poised to attack. NOBODY INSULTED HER BUNNY DRAWINGS! Especially not that orange headed fool!

"ERRR, ANYWAY! How about I think of a plan...?"

_Ten minutes later..._

"AGHHHH! CHOKE ON IT, BITCH!" Ichigo roared, his long, hard part shoved down Rosalie's throat...

_No, not THAT long hard thing- Zangetsu!_

Rukia, meanwhile, was calmly dancing between Alice and jasper, as an ice-sculptured Carlisle watched. All too soon, Rosalie joined the chopped up Emmet and Esme, and two new icicles were made- Alice and Jasper flavoured!. Butting the hilt of Sode No Shirayuki into the popsicle-vamps, the petite girl shattered all three into ice shavings, as Ichigo wandered outside. Minutes later, he returned, dragging a can of gasoline.

"It's always handy to have petrol. Even if you don't own a car." He explained to Rukia, straightfaced. Then his eyes slitted, and he let out a freaky giggle_. The fuuuuuuuuc-..?_ Rukia wondered.

"Torching timeeee!" He sang, his eyes the bright gold and deep black of his Hollow, as he cackled. Pouring the liquid all over the pile of vampire mess, Ichigo quickly set fire to it.

"Oooooh! Burn baby burn! Bounto inferno!" The carrot top bellowed, dancing around the pyre, waving his arms and legs in some odd version of the can-can.

Rukia slapped her hand over her face, walking out the flame engulfed building, leaving him to it. Still, she seriously needed to get a recording of this one...

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The pair stood on top of a hill, back in thier bodies as they watched the flames on both sides of Forks begin to increase, and spread, while the huge billows of smoke arose into the heavens. Most of soul society was probably choking their guts out from ash, but hey-ho. The task had been successful!

"Well, this mission sucked." Rukia could only nod in her agreement.

"Atleast we got out of Soul Society for a bit, and you got to experience what an American high school is like! You'll have some stories to tell the others atleast, right?" Ever the chipper one. Ichigo groaned, picking up his back pack.

"Screw that, American high schools suck even more than Japanese ones! I'm not coming back here, ever again."

"Buuuuut, Ichigoooo! I learned some interesting words!"

"Really? Like what?" Rukia straightened up proudly to tell him.

"Like these! 'FUCK OFF, YOU GINGER CUNT! GO AND FUCK YA' DAD, INNIT! YOU FUCKIN' BENDER! " She yelled in a scarily accurate American drawl. Ichigo's eye twitched.

"For the last time... I'M NOT GINGERRRRR, AND I AM A VERY, VERY MANLY MAAAANNNNNNNN~"

Birds shot out of trees. Dogs howled. Cats hissed.

And Ichigo's bruised pride continued to fuel his insulted screams of agony, as Rukia hit the play button on her cellphone.

_**"OOH BURN BABY BURN! BOUNTO INFERNOOOOO! OOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH~..."**_

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**If there's STILL mistakes, I APOLOGISEEEE D; I'm SOWWIE. Honestly.**

**Anyway, all y'all twilight haters, review please?**

**They feed my inner crack Hollow, so I can continue writing this nonsense. **

**Kudos and COOOKIESSS!**


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